first time in a while.

Today is the first time in a while i feel like crying over you.  It is a strange feeling sometimes when I don't feel like crying.  But tonight is different.  When I feel like I have a crappy life surrounding me and you are the only calm that I can find, it is tough not to have you close.  I don't like being far away from you and worrying about things so much.  Why does the world seem to spin faster out of control?  Just when it all starts to look bright and right things get crazy.  I just want you to be here and make it all disappear.  You make me forget about everything, or is it that you make me not care about anything anymore? I am nervous about our life together.  I can't wait, you make me such a better person.  I love you.

"I love walking in the rain, because then no one knows I'm crying."

warm tea and an apple.

Ah, Panera.  I do love the food here and now I am a much happier person that I was 2 hours ago!  I'm not stuck in traffic and I have stuffed my face with carbohydrates.  I miss you on cold night like this.  We could be snuggled up in the living room with the fire place on and falling asleep while a movie was playing.  It would be a great night.  But now I will be sitting in Panera typing you a love letter that you can't read.  That's okay.  I have been reading the book and thinking about you.  He is about to go on his first long-term mission.  He already saved the Black Hawk, but now it is go time.  You will be be him soon.  Overseas, running missions, yelling orders, being my hero.  It blows my mind to think that you have the skills and the mindset.  I have complete and honest faith in you to do what you have to get done.  And when you come home, I will be here.  Waiting patiently for you to be all mine again.  We are going to have the best life that any married couple has had.  I am so in love with you David.

"A life's worth, the end isn't measured in hours, or dollars. It's measured by the amount of love exchanged along the way"

-Douglas Means

june it is.

June, too soon?  I don't think so.  I want to marry you.  I don't want to wait, I don't want to fight people on how much I love you and how much I don't wait to delay our dreams anymore.  You are my world.  I am almost ready to move on and get out of this state.  One graduate degree and eight more months in a lease.  I can't wait till June, wedding ideas and future home ideas running through my head.  Our wedding is going to be simple and sweet, I can't wait to see the look on your face when you see me in my dress.  I don't want to miss out on as much marriage with you as possible.  I want to begin to make our dreams come true soon.  David, I love you and can't wait to be yours forever.

"I don't want to miss one smile, I don't want to miss one kiss, I just want to be with you, right here with you..."
-Aerosmith

a happy bike.

It has been a great Christmas.  You came home to see me and spend Christmas together.  First was a happy meal, at your favorite, Chipotle, your burrito wasn't really a well-made burrito and I ate too much.  We went to Christmas Eve mass, you as a Silent Night and me as a Christmas Tree, that's what I like to think as least.  It was a beautiful service.  We even got to spend the night together, in Christmas pajamas.  It was wonderful to finally not be lonely on Christmas morning.  No waiting around for anyone to wake up and get it together.  Just you and me, breakfast and presents.  It was the best Christmas morning in a long time.  Thank you.  We went to see your Grandma, that was so nice to finally meet her!  Nice to spend time with your family.  We then split up, you with your family at the movies and me with mine opening presents.  After a long Christmas day, everyone gathered at my house for a joint family dinner.  It was wonderful having both our whole families together to eat and be merry.  You can't put a price on that kind of happiness.  Day after Christmas: a nice new bike and a fancy dress.  You are the best man in the whole world.  You got me a brand new bike for Christmas, one of the best presents I have ever received.  It is beautiful and rides so smoothly.  I can't wait till the spring so I can find a trail and get an audio book for my ipod.  I will ride and think of you.  We also went dress shopping, you bought me a beautiful black dress for USMC formals, and just to be pretty in.  I can't wait to go out for a night on the town with you; we will be the cutest couple ever!  After a wonderful night at the Bee-Wyatt household, it came time for you to leave.  This is the part I hate the most.  Having to always part with you.  You are the best part about me.  I can never be grumpy or angry or in any type of bad mood. You bring out the person in me in which I always want to be.  When I am with you I  am at my best.  When you leave I feel like I can't be happy.  I feel like there is something missing, an empty hole in which only you can fill.  You are that warmth, that joy, the one that makes my heart complete.  I miss everything about you.  The way you laugh, the way you smile at me, the way you run your fingers through my hair.  I can't wait for the day when I get to be completely happy with you.  I hate crying because you are not here, I want you always to be here. I hear people coming and going downstairs and how I wish it was you, coming through that door, telling me that we have one more night together.  But, you have a job to do and I want to stand behind you and help you be the best that you can be.  I might just go put on that new dress and bring my bike upstairs and sit in the dress and stare at the bike just to remind me of you.  Honey, I miss you and June 4th could not come sooner.  I Love You with Everything I Have.

Even though I miss you and you are far away, all I have to do is look in my heart and I'll find you there.

late at night.

Sometimes, late at night, I miss you so much and worry myself so much about us that I start to feel sick.  This is the point where I can't sleep, I can't think straight, I just want you next to me to comfort me.  I want to cry.  Thinking about how our lives together and all of our dreams together could be cut short.  Tonight you said "I have to worry if I will ever see my kids be born".  That hit me hard, they wouldn't only be your kids, but mine too.  Moments like that want me to start my life together with you now.  I want it all now.  I don't know how not to be jealous about you.  Why can't it just come easy?  Why can't I have it all right now?  That's just the way life is, whether I like it or not, I have to realize that this world isn't all about me.  I wish that with all the imaging I do, that you can appear next to me in bed, with your head on the pillow next to mine, falling asleep, holding hands, worrying that with every move, I might not be touching you anymore.  One day soon, we will get to be together, just you and I.  I will get to have a best friend again, something I long for often, I will get to have the love of my life back.  For now, I will lay my tear-filled eyes down on my pillow and drown my sadness in the sleeves of your sweatshirt.

"What is the opposite of two?  A lonely me, a lonely you."

oh Christmas tree.

Our Christmas tree is beautiful.  I can't wait to decorate a tree with you, it will be beautiful and bring so much happiness into our home.  Next year you will be deployed and I will write you lots of Christmas cards to bring you a little bit of home.  Christmas this year will be great.  We will share with our families our last Christmas at "home".  I will sing in the choir at my church and you will sit in the congregation and listen to my beautiful voice radiating in your direction!  Oh, How Lovely it will be!  Christmas is supposed to be a season of joy, in the Glory of the newborn King!  This year, I can't wait for Christmas Eve because I know that we will be together, side by side.  (Maybe you'll even sing a Christmas carol with me!)  Tonight, I will go to bed thinking of you next to me rubbing my back as I fall asleep.  I will dream of you tonight.  I love you David.

"In life there are moments when you miss someone so much that you wish you could grab them out of your dreams and hug them"

welcome.

David, this is for you.  Remember back to the day when we were lying on my floor talking about dating?  Remember the saying "I want to date you, I don't want to live my life without ever knowing what it was like".  Wow, how funny it is that we have come full circle.  Now we are engaged and you are an Officer in the United States Marine Corps.  Life has gone by quickly for us, how our lives have changed together over the past year and a half.  Now it is time for you to start your career, get it rolling, which means, deployment.  I know I have told you that if I were scared it meant that I don't trust you and that I don't have confidence in you, that being true, I am scared.  You will deploy in less than a year, and out wedding have now been moved (unofficially) to June.  Yikes, 8 months!  I want to marry you, I don't want to live my life never knowing what it was like.  I want to experience everything about marriage with you.  I will never let you out of my mind, I will be with you every day and you with me.  Honey, I can't wait to begin the rest of our lives together.  I love you more than anything.

"Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about."